It took almost a year for everything to hit me. About last year, my suicide attempt. The weirdest thing is, that whole night was the craziest night of my life. I never mentioned any of this before. But, that night was the closest to death I’ve ever been. Closer than anyone I know, aside from one person who was my second father, who was in a coma for three weeks and saw things that I saw. Only thing is, it took me a year to remember it. Since that night, I always likened depression to be kind of like a tunnel, as in the whole light at the end of the tunnel aspect you’ve heard all your life. The light representing freedom. And what’s holding you back is your demons. You have to fight and claw your way to see that light. And tonight, I started remembering things. Like, the tunnel.. and fighting.. and getting to the end.. and seeing the most beautiful thing ever.. it was like a grotto with an amazing waterfall, marble flooring, and every kind of flower you can imagine, the water was crystal clear. I’ve looked for a picture, but nothing I can find is even close to it. Some won’t even believe me, but honestly, I know what I saw. I know what I remember. Not sure why it took so long for me to remember it. I guess, if I had remembered that night, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to come back. There’s a reason I’m here, that I lived. What that reason is, I’m not quite sure. But I’m going to find out. Because this time, I’m not holding back. I think I’m here to prove those motherfuckers who want me dead wrong. Well, I can say they got their wish.. I kind of did die. But, I was brought back. And I know how and why.
Yesterday was a big break through.. I have to say, I’m quite proud of myself. I didn’t let my pride get in my way, and I made amends to someone I was once with, who hurt me. All is well. I’d do the same with the others, but several of them would probably just slap the olive branch out of my hand and step on it.. I guess I’ll have to accept that some people.. just can be hard headed and soulless. It took me dying to realize that life is more beautiful than most people even know. And that hate is just a bad feeling that you can expel. Takes some work, but not an impossible task. Of course, I don’t really hate much. I may dislike, but hate, not so much. I guess you can say I’m learning that some things have to be let go. I want this life to mean something, so in order for that to happen, these steps have to be taken.
And I’m working on writing out my experiences within the past few years that tell how I became who I am today. The steps I took, the edges I went to, and how someone pulled me back from even over the edge. Funny how you get to the edge, and you jump, and you have someone who somehow reaches down and pulls you back up. I’m going to have a time with this one, man. But, don’t expect me to post much of it online. A lot of it will be unreleased, until I get everything just right; after all, I am a perfectionist.
The end justifies the means.