Letter To A Friend (Suicide Trigger Warning)

Dear friend,

You killed yourself a year ago, I didn’t find out until last night. I spent this entire day cycling through the stages of grief… denying that it’s true, getting pissed at myself for not being there, and at you for going there and not saying anything. I skip bargaining since there’s nothing I can offer and nothing that can bring you back. And I can’t accept it. My brain broke and my heart dropped when I saw your obituary. I immediately knew it was you. I just had a moment that I thought I was asleep because I couldn’t convince myself it was true. I knew there had to be some way it was someone else, who just happened to have the same name and same family member names. There’s no way you’d tell me I’d hurt you if I did anything then not long after, you leave me. I thought about texting you over this past year. But as I can see, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have never gotten a reply. And I probably would have thought you were mad at me, or just ignoring me.

I didn’t know… I just didn’t know. And I feel like a complete piece of shit for not being there for you. I did care about you, despite the fact we didn’t always get along, because I know your past had a lot to do with that. When I told you I’d always be there, I wasn’t lying. You did subtlely ask for help, my dumbass was oblivious because I was talking about giving up the last time we talked. I seriously hope that didn’t contribute to your decision. I would find it very hard to live with myself if I had something to do with what happened.

I never was ignoring you… I didn’t mean to not say anything. I was drowning in my own stuff… I was trying to stay okay for people who needed me. I was stupid to not realize you needed me then, and now I feel horrible for not saying anything. I feel even worse that the very last conversation we had I was complaining about my life and talking about giving up. I have a horrible nagging fear in the back of my mind that I may have contributed to what happened. And I am so fucking sorry… I’m sorry. I didn’t see what was going on… I feel like a piece of shit for not helping. And I know the whole fucking what-ifs. I’ve been through every what-if scenario in my head, but everyone keeps saying what-ifs won’t bring you back, and again, the denial stage hits… what if it does? My mind is so fucked up and I don’t know what’s going on.

I’ve been reading all the texts that I have from you. All the conversations we had. Talking about random things at times. Some of the things you sent still make me smile, even with tears in my eyes because I’m reading it. I do find it comforting that you can still make me smile even if you’re not here anymore. I want so bad to talk to you. But, I know it’s not possible. I want to tell you I’m here. I want you to know I did care. I wasn’t ignoring you ever. I wasn’t okay myself. And I hate myself for that. I should have been there for you. But, I can’t go back. I can never go back. I promise you, though, I’ll see you again one day. I’ll meet you wherever you are when it’s my time. But not too soon. I want you to be able to see how I stuck it out even learning of your death. I want you to be proud that I still kept going and that I didn’t give up. I’m trying so hard, but it’s like climbing the Hoover Dam. I’m determined to make it, but this pain makes it harder. And I know you never intended on hurting anyone. I know you well enough to know you only went there in a desperate attempt to just stop hurting. And I’m sorry I couldn’t help the pain before it got to that point. I just hope you know that I did care.

Goodbye… =(

Love always,

This letter isn’t a joke, nor is suicide. This is to a friend of mine who killed herself, and I didn’t even know. I’m posting this here because maybe someone will see it, and if they know someone who is in danger of killing themselves, they can help. This hurts way too much, and I don’t wish anyone else to have to feel it. If you know anyone who is suicidal or has made comments about suicide… call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. They may get mad. But at least they’ll still be there.

I Am No Houdini

No, I have not disappeared, I promise. I have just been quite busy lately. Planning things, dealing with things, etc. I will try to post more often about what’s going on in life and what matters to me. Sometimes life just becomes too damn hectic, and you just have to take time to deal. And everyone who knows me knows that I don’t deal well with stress and stuff. But, in all honesty, I’ve been doing pretty well with this. I mean, all things considered

So, in recent news, I’ve been planning on doing a new series on YouTube. I’m calling it “<img src>” (image source) with series like ““… and yes, it’s a nod to geekiness, hence the HTML image source tag title. So, will be starting soon. I’m waiting around to do the heavy editing with my good laptop once I get it repaired in December. I have a green screen set up, but I’m working around getting the lighting up. It’s not so easy when you’re in an apartment that has so many stupid restrictions. So, while I’m getting all of that set up and waiting around to get my laptop fixed, I will be finding any weird photos on the interwebs for said series. So, if you have any to send, whether you took them yourself or you found them or maybe got it from a friend, send it my way! My email is khaos@thegodofkhaos.com. Make sure to put “img src” in the subject line as to let me know it’s not spam.

And, yes, my laptop is kind of fucked at the moment. But, as I said I am getting it repaired in December. So, I will be able to do my normal interweb things normally rather than abnormally on this POS laptop that I paid $300 for. I do have to admit, though, at least it works. Since I don’t have any other computer. I do eventually want to build a beast of a computer for production, though. But that’s a ways down the road.

Also, I have created a Discord server for those who follow me. I used to run an IRC chat but just recently found that Discord servers are easier to manage. Even though I created bots for my IRC channel. I am working on Discord bots now, though. So that’s a thing. It would be cool if I could have the same concepts in Discord bots that I had in my IRC bots. I’m fairly sure I can do it, it’s just using a different programming language instead of MSL. But, as far as my Discord server goes, I will be sharing access fairly soon.

And as always, I’ll catch you next time!

What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do

The title says it all. I’m in a predicament. I realized some things last night, and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’m stuck, like stuck in a time I can’t move from. One of my exes fucked things up for me royally. And, I know there’s no way to fix that. But, how can I move forward from here? It’s like I don’t know how to fix it, but I know it can’t be fixed. But, anyone who knows me would know I’m persistent in trying to fix things I had a part in fucking up. I chose the wrong person. I know that now, but there’s no going back. So, I guess the only option is to just move forward and mend friendships.

This is a short post, just my thoughts documented so I don’t forget. I like to have a little reminder to not make the same mistakes again. But, how do you know you’re making a mistake? That is the question I want the answer to.

Movie Night! Ghost In The Shell: Opening Day March 31st 2017

So, I managed to finagle a free ticket for the opening day of Ghost In The Shell. I have been a long-time fan of the series throughout the years, so I was definitely curious as to how a big screen Hollywood live action would come out. And this was the first time I actually was able to see any movie on opening day. So, that was pretty damn exciting, just for that alone.

Now, before I get into my review, I want to make something perfectly clear. This movie wasn’t an adaptation of the anime, but of the original manga. And anyone who knows anything about manga vs anime should know that most of the time there are quite a few significant differences between the two. For one thing, manga can take a whole different approach to a story than anime does, as well as a lot of manga are produced by different people than the anime adaptations are. So, to be quite concise about this, I had to mention that detail. Because I’ve seen a lot of reviews that slam the movie for not being like the anime when the movie was more of an adaptation of the manga, not the anime. And the manga has a different story context than the anime as well. And along with the anime, there were books and two different manga series. So, just because it didn’t follow the anime doesn’t mean that it wasn’t good.

Now, I went into this movie with a neutral attitude. I did this because it seems so many people giving bad reviews had rather high expectations of the movie, and it didn’t quite live up to their expectations. Thus, they gave bad reviews simply because it didn’t meet their previous expectations. I tend to do this when trying new things. Whether it’s a movie, restaurant, or anything else. I figure if I set my expectations too high, I get let down when those expectations are not met, therefore I try to have a neutral attitude when doing this so that if it’s good, I’m surprised, and if it’s bad, I’m not let down.

I’m not going to bullshit and say the movie was perfect, but I’m also not going to say it was completely terrible. Out of all of the live-action adaptations to a manga or anime series I’ve seen, this was by far the best. I only had some hesitation about it. But I think that was more of my love for the anime coming through. But, I will say that this movie did not disappoint me in the least. It was action packed, had amazing effects, great storyline. I honestly cannot complain about the movie at all. And if I did, I’d be bullshitting myself. There was some complaint about the movie’s cast. Mainly of Scarlett Johansson’s role of the Major. In all honesty, she fit the part very well. I’ve been a long time fan of hers anyway, but as I said before, I went into this movie with a neutral attitude, and I was not let down. Her performance was pretty damn good, the fight scenes were quite amazing. And there were quite a few times where the story took a turn and shocked me. The rest of the cast were pretty great too, especially that of Batou. I may not be a professional movie critic, and I would hope not because most movie critics have some level of expectations that they want from a movie. But, I have seen my share of live-action adaptations of manga and anime. So, giving that fact I will reiterate and say this was by far the best live-action adaptation of a manga or anime series I’ve seen.

I’m trying not to give too many spoilers for those who haven’t yet seen it, because most of the time whenever I am able to see a movie, it’s after everyone posts spoilers about it, and ruins the whole experience for me. And I hate when people do that, so I will hold back details so that you can tell for yourself how well you liked it. I will say my only complaint was the lack of Fuchikoma or as they called them “Think Tanks”. They had different names for each series, Tachikoma being for Stand Alone Complex, Fuchikoma for the original manga (which is why I’m calling it that in this case, since the movie was based on the original manga, and not any of the anime series). They did however have something called a “Spider Tank”, which I would say was a nod to the Fuchikoma, but not exactly the same. As the “Think Tanks” in any of the series had their own personality and voice, and always seemed to act like kids. The Spider Tank in the movie was more of a robotic tank controlled by Mr Cutter. The original Think Tanks controlled themselves and were their own separate entity. That was my only complaint of the movie, really. But I can look past that and see that the movie was pretty damn amazing, or at least it was to me. I think everyone who’s giving it bad reviews are doing so because they expected it to be like the anime and the comparison is different.

In conclusion, I’d say this was a movie worth seeing, even if you’re disappointed by it. It’s still a great action packed movie. And to me, one worth paying to see again. I definitely will be adding this to a list of my favourite movies. I implore anyone who has already set high expectations for this movie to tone it down and try a neutral attitude. Especially when seeing new movies and trying new things. It will help in the long run, trust me.

Where The Hell Have I Been?

That is a great question. So, where the hell have I been? I’ll tell you. I’ve been quite busy lately, and haven’t been able to update. It’s been pretty insane here lately. But some new stuff has come up. I have created a few new bots in my chat, anyone can check them out by going to the chat page, which is under the “home” menu selection as a sub menu item. The client, which is KiwiIRC, works on computers and mobile devices alike. Better on tablets rather than smartphones, though. But you can use smartphones. It’s just more compact. So, there is a quote bot, which has a trigger (!quote) and it will send a random quote into the channel. But, this is not to be abused, as in not using it to flood the channel. Plus, I am still populating the quotes file with quotes, and there’s not very many yet. As soon as I get a ton of quotes, I will probably get rid of the trigger and have it send a random quote to the channel every ten minutes or so. Besides that, I also have a roast bot. Which, of course, is exactly what it sounds like. It’ll roast someone of your choice. The trigger (!roast username) is used to do so. It goes without saying that this also should not be abused. If it is, the bot will be turned off. And the third one I made is a shoutout bot, which, again is pretty much what it sounds like. The trigger (!shoutout) will basically respond with a shoutout to whoever triggered it. Shoutouts are compliments, while roasts are insults. Then there are the other two bots I’ve always had, which are the game bot and management bot. The shoutout bot also has a greeting script that I wrote that greets anyone who joins. Everything is done accordingly.

Besides that, I’m one step closer to where I want to be. And also, in about two years I’ll be saying goodbye to this god forsaken state of Michigan. Possibly heading back to my home state of Georgia. I’m thinking maybe around the Gainesville area or Athens. I haven’t really decided yet. Either way, I plan on hopefully getting a job at a local radio station when I get back down there. By then I’ll have the knowledge and skills necessary to be able to. Of course, I may not land a DJ job immediately, but I can always work up to that. I’m definitely willing to work my way up the ladder. I know sometimes you have to do that to get to where you want to be. And of course there will be a shit ton of other projects in the works too. And of course, I will be documenting my move back via vlogs as well. I can’t forget that. Since the mistake of deciding to come up here, I seriously cannot wait to be back where I consider home. Anywhere around the Atlanta area. Plus, I have family there as well. And it’d be nice to see my uncle again. He and I have a lot of the same issues. And I feel we could help each other out. Because honestly, I look up to him. He may not know it, or maybe he does. But, we’ve been trying to end our lives, but somehow we’re both still here. And I think that reason is because we have something still left to do here. There’s no other explanation for it, really.

Also, I’m getting ready to start writing my life experienced. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s going to be raw, the realest of the real. From my birth to parents who didn’t want me really. Or chose someone else over me, to my adoptive father who I considered my only father dying when I was eight years old. And the struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout life. And how I attempted suicide, died, and came back. It’s going to be a gut-wrenching page turner. I always said this… I was dealt a shit hand in life, so I spent a long time perfecting my poker face so people didn’t know what I was going through. Because I never wanted pity. I just wanted everything to end. But after I died, I now want to live. And tell about my experiences. I believe it’s very important. And I want people to know my story. This is a long time in planning and writing, and editing, and re-writing. But when I’m done. I’ll make sure people hear my story of how I started at the bottom but aimed for the top, and I won’t stop until I’m at the top screaming that life is worth it. Life is beautiful. Don’t waste it. Help people, change the world. This is my mission. And I’m going to start this shit very very soon. So watch out for that. I’ll probably post little tidbits here and there throughout my updates. Piece them together, and you may figure things out before most people do. Remember, you only live once… make you story a good one. Make your mark in this world. Be remembered when you really are gone. Be a hero. Inspire people! I care about everyone who have been where I have been. And I want people to know the fighting, the clawing of your demons to get to the light that you know is there. Keep fighting, my friends! And anyone who comes against you, ignore them. They want you to fail. Prove those fuckers wrong! Succeed in life, and they’ll be nothing after that!

This is my ending. I hope someone gets something out of this. Don’t give up. There are people who care. You just have to find them. And when you do, don’t ever let go. Friends like that are hard to come by. So, keep them in your circle.

There’s Nothing Like A Trail Of Blood To Find Your Way Back Home

It took almost a year for everything to hit me. About last year, my suicide attempt. The weirdest thing is, that whole night was the craziest night of my life. I never mentioned any of this before. But, that night was the closest to death I’ve ever been. Closer than anyone I know, aside from one person who was my second father, who was in a coma for three weeks and saw things that I saw. Only thing is, it took me a year to remember it. Since that night, I always likened depression to be kind of like a tunnel, as in the whole light at the end of the tunnel aspect you’ve heard all your life. The light representing freedom. And what’s holding you back is your demons. You have to fight and claw your way to see that light. And tonight, I started remembering things. Like, the tunnel.. and fighting.. and getting to the end.. and seeing the most beautiful thing ever.. it was like a grotto with an amazing waterfall, marble flooring, and every kind of flower you can imagine, the water was crystal clear. I’ve looked for a picture, but nothing I can find is even close to it. Some won’t even believe me, but honestly, I know what I saw. I know what I remember. Not sure why it took so long for me to remember it. I guess, if I had remembered that night, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to come back. There’s a reason I’m here, that I lived. What that reason is, I’m not quite sure. But I’m going to find out. Because this time, I’m not holding back. I think I’m here to prove those motherfuckers who want me dead wrong. Well, I can say they got their wish.. I kind of did die. But, I was brought back. And I know how and why.

Yesterday was a big break through.. I have to say, I’m quite proud of myself. I didn’t let my pride get in my way, and I made amends to someone I was once with, who hurt me. All is well. I’d do the same with the others, but several of them would probably just slap the olive branch out of my hand and step on it.. I guess I’ll have to accept that some people.. just can be hard headed and soulless. It took me dying to realize that life is more beautiful than most people even know. And that hate is just a bad feeling that you can expel. Takes some work, but not an impossible task. Of course, I don’t really hate much. I may dislike, but hate, not so much. I guess you can say I’m learning that some things have to be let go. I want this life to mean something, so in order for that to happen, these steps have to be taken.

And I’m working on writing out my experiences within the past few years that tell how I became who I am today. The steps I took, the edges I went to, and how someone pulled me back from even over the edge. Funny how you get to the edge, and you jump, and you have someone who somehow reaches down and pulls you back up. I’m going to have a time with this one, man. But, don’t expect me to post much of it online. A lot of it will be unreleased, until I get everything just right; after all, I am a perfectionist.

The end justifies the means.

Random Thoughts®

It’s just a little passed five am now, and I’m watching tv on my tablet while typing this. I’m really not paying much attention to what’s on, it’s just mainly for the noise. But then again, my fan makes  ― I believe it’s pink noise. It has a slightly lower tone than white noise. It’s just something that helps me sleep. When I am able to, and tired enough to.

But my thoughts are racing, and this website is my outlet. So, I leave you with some interesting thoughts, crude jokes, and sick humour. And if you don’t like it, you can shove it up your ass. Because I’m not going to conform to someone’s ideal person that I should be.

You know, I can’t help but laugh when people rage at me over an opposed opinion. I posted about CV a while back, and these people started saying all kinds of shit. The smoke coming though my laptop over the hot headed raging was insane. I almost thought my house was on fire. But then I realized it was just some butthurt fucks defending their worthless piece of shit “god” who runs the CV group. Oddly enough, one person agreed with me. Another problem I have with CV is the massive hivemind. One person says you’re wrong, everyone else piles up on top of you to back up whoever said you were wrong. Kind of like a clique of high school bullies. Honestly, I myself wouldn’t want that kind of rep online. Because eventually, that’ll be the downfall. Because eventually people are going to stop joining, and the only ones left will be the admins and the “favorites”. Make a community, make it friendly. If someone didn’t catch something on the “pinned” piece of shit, that doesn’t warrant a full on arsenal attack on the person, which is what happened to me, and a couple of other people I’ve talked to about it. As I said, community is key. CV is more like an empire who tosses people into a volcano because they missed something on the sticky piece of shit on the group page or don’t agree with them, and have an opposing opinion. And I stand by my opinion. And if you want to rage over it, go right ahead. Because the more you rage, the better I feel. And the more the hivemind shows. And I’ll most likely delete the comment without actually reading it. Either way, I wouldn’t want these guys as teachers, because they’d tell you that you’re a massive fucking moron for not knowing what you’re trying to learn in class.

Moving on, I’m headed to Georgia next month, from the 4th to the 11th. One week in my home state. I am definitely going to enjoy it. Not only because it’s where I spent a lot of my life there, but also to get away from here would be great. I could actually relax. I’ll be sleeping on a cot, which really doesn’t bother me. I just hope I have somewhere to put my laptop and tablet. My phone, I’m not worried about, because I can set it down on the floor while it’s charging. But either way, one thing I’ll get to do is GO TO ZAXBY’S! God, I miss that place. One of the reasons I can’t wait to move back down there. And since I’m the one that brought us up here.. I will NEVER move 700 miles for someone. It was the worst decision of my life. But either way, I’m doing a LOT better. No liquor or cigarettes since October of last year. And it’s coming up to the anniversary for it too. I am actually quite proud of the accomplishments over the last year. I’m more active, I eat more healthier, with a cheat here and there. I am not going to eat fast food much anymore, because I already have high blood pressure, and the sodium content in fast food is a recipe for disaster if you’re blood pressure is elevated. Plus, the calories.. my god. I do walk quite a bit now, and I’ve lost like 40 lbs just doing that. And that’s not even using any type of weight loss program. It’s just me being active.

I can’t help but think how I’m going to create the multiple podcasts I want to do. Since Mixlr only allows one podcast per account, and they suggest paying for another one. Which is a very shitty way to do business, if you ask me. But, what do I know? I’ll be looking for alternatives that will allow more than one podcast per account, and still streams live, and has an embedded player.

Also, guys, I’m sorry I haven’t posted much. There’s just been so much going on. As I mentioned earlier, I’m going to Georgia for a week, so I’ve been trying to get things ready. Like my room all straightened up and organized, clothes washed, etc. It’s been pretty hectic. But, I do have an announcement to make. But, you’ll have to wait.. remember patience like the stalker. =)  Either way, it’ll be pretty big. Especially with so many social networks out there for the type of thing I’m planning. I’m waiting around for now, to get things together, and to work with my site some to get posts to display right on pages.

Anywho, I’m about to fall asleep now, so I’m out. I’ll try my best to post more. I definitely will post while I’m in Georgia, and I’ll even take pictures and post them in a gallery on the posts.

Ignorance Is Bliss

I typically try to stray away from these kinds of posts.. but this pissed me off more than most cases, I think because it hits so close to home. Around this area of Michigan, there was a 21 year old who killed himself, and his family is now going around the internet saying they don’t know why he did it. They’re not denying he had bipolar or a past of suicidal ideation, meaning they didn’t do jack shit to help. He apparently bought a handgun several weeks before this happened. And, yet, his family did NOTHING. I just asked my mom what she would do if I went out and got a handgun, and her response was that she’d lock it in her safe. Why? Because she knows I’d probably end up using it if I got low enough. The fact that this poor guy had such a shitty support system weighs heavy on my heart. Only because, as I said, it hits close to home.

I mean, I tried to off myself back in August, if it weren’t for the support of a friend, I wouldn’t be here. Because that friend stayed up with me until I passed out, but not before calling someone about it first. Another thing that pisses me off, and I’ll share the screenshot of what one of his family members said, and this PISSES me off to no end.


Why this pisses me off, is that all of a sudden, HE should have been the one to ask for help. But, the thing is, sometimes people who suffer from suicidal ideation DO ask for help, but in subtle ways. It isn’t HIS fault that his family didn’t catch on. I know, I’ve been through this. I’m doing my best to raise awareness of this kind of thing. Because just paying attention to someone isn’t enough. You need to talk to them, find the source, find the trigger, then do your best to get them away from the trigger.

Letting someone who has a history of suicide buy a handgun.. they pretty much pulled the trigger. They helped him with everything? Yeah, including what happened.

I won’t go on about this, I just want to find a way to organize a way to raise awareness of this. If anyone can help, PLEASE, I implore you to email me. My email address is listed at the top of the website.

Random Thoughts™

I was sitting outside the other day, and saw the coolest sunset ever. So, I decided to take a picture of it and share it. But I didn’t share it on Instagram or Facebook or any other site. I saved it for sharing on here. Only because this sunset made me think. So, without further adieu–here is the amazing sunset..

Now, what this made me think of is the fact that I was alive to see it. I never mentioned it here, but I have on YouTube, on vlogs.
Anyway, last August I attempted suicide – and nearly succeeded. I spent two months after that drinking excessively.. then around October, I decided things had to change. I couldn’t keep self destructing like that. It wasn’t getting me anywhere, nor was it helping. So, literally since October of 2015 til now, May 2016, I have not had any liquor at all, and I quit smoking too. I haven’t had a cigarette since October, nor do I want one anymore. I spend my time now vaping, and I enjoy it.

In general, I’m a lot more content than I was before, and still taking things a day at a time. Bad things happen from time to time, I can’t deny. But I’m trying my best not to let things get to me, and keep my head up. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I do stumble. But at the end of the day, I can look up and say I’m happy to be here. And just to think, I technically shouldn’t be here right now.

These things got me thinking that I want to make sure that people who suffer from the same things I do, or even similar know that they’re not alone. And that despite how bad things get, things can get better. And I know some people think it’s stupid to say cliched things like that, but it really is true. Thing is, I’ve seen the light at the end of the darkness. Several times, in fact. So, I know it’s there. That little bit of hope keeps me fighting through the dark times, just to see the light again at the end of it all. And every time I get to the light, it seems a little brighter. I want to help people realize that just because you feel like you’re at the bottom, the only direction you can go is up. And even if it seems like an extremely steep climb, it’s never impossible and never too late.

The Launch Of Fast.com From Netflix (My First Impressions)

This one was pretty interesting. So, I keep up with stuff as often as I am able to, with the changes that will be made in my life within the next six months, I may or may not be able to post as often about things like this. So, I figured I’d take advantage of this opportunity here to give my first impressions of Fast.com, which is a tool launched by Netflix to basically check your download speeds. There’s even a link on the website that lets you compare results from SpeedTest.net (which, honestly.. I think was a downfall for them). I’ll explain why I say that too.

There are a few aspects that they didn’t add to this tool. As anyone who knows anything about internet speeds, you know that the further you are from a server, the slower the speed will be between client (your computer) and server. And, SpeedTest has a way to check speeds between servers around the world, giving you an idea of what your speeds will be from servers around the world. Same goes with your ping times. Every detail like that will tell you a lot about your connection. Which is why I think Fast.com needs to start developing more to it. So, here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to break down all of this stuff to show why each little detail is important.

Here we see a screenshot of Fast.com (respectively, my connection speed).


Now, the only problem here is, it only shows one little aspect of your connection. The download speed. I guess in general, this is great for those who don’t know much about different details of their connection. If they only want to see what their download speeds are. But, as for me, and a lot of other people like me, I like to not only know what my download speed is, but my upload speed and ping times are. These details give me more information about my connection, from any device, whether it be my laptop on wi-fi at home, or on wi-fi anywhere else, or my phone on the data network, or on wi-fi anywhere else.

Now check this screenshot of SpeedTest.net.


Now, the fact that they provide a link to compare results means that they obviously want to be on par with SpeedTest. So, I will reiterate, little details that Fast.com have left out of the official launch, make it harder to know much about your connection. All it shows it download speed, looking at this screenshot of SpeedTest, you can see not only is the download speed faster, but it also shows upload speed and ping time. Which, as I mentioned are details that give more information about the connection.

Basically, what I think they should do to improve the tool, is add more details. They should at least have multi server support, as well as IP, upload speed and ping time. And they could add even more to it to try to be an actual competitor to SpeedTest. I mean, the rule of any business to be successful is to give your customers (or in this case clients) an experience they can’t get anywhere else. Otherwise, you’re just creating a clone of a clone of a clone. And nothing’s getting better, just copypasta all over the place.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you tried it? What did you think of your result? I could go on with the questions, but I still want to know your thoughts on this.

The Problem I Have With Convicted Vapes

Now, before you think I’m here to totally badmouth this group, spread slanderous lies and whatnot. No, that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m here to share my experience with the group, and tell what they’re doing wrong, and what they should be doing differently. And if I get shit about this from the group itself, it will only prove my point further.
First thing’s first, before starting ANY community. If you have NO idea how to run one, best idea is to just not create one. That, or get a course on how to create and run a good community, such as here (https://www.udemy.com/community-building-101/?ccManual=&couponCode=GOALS015) and with the coupon code, the course is $15, effectively about as much as a 30ML bottle of premium ejuice. (And Udemy is a very well known online learning course platform founded in 2010, and almost /always/ has sales) And, in my opinion, totally worth it to get your community on the right path, instead of where you think it should be. Which is a group where admins are all powerful and can do whatever the hell they please, and members are just mere peasants and know absolutely nothing, except for a small group we call the “favorites”. Sorry, guys, that is not what a community is.
In short a community is a group of individuals who all share the same likes/hobbies/passions, among other things. They help build each other up, encourage each other, help each other thrive. These were, however, NOT the attributes I examined in the Convicted Vapes group on Facebook. What I experienced in my (I think it was about two months) was a continuous amount of put downs for everything I posted. I ask for some good cheap RDA suggestions and said I didn’t want to go clone, but I was looking at them because I had limited funds (and instead of getting things like  “Oh, I understand, but let me help you find some authentic RDAs that are inexpensive.” I get things like “You’re a fucking moron for asking about clones here, you obviously don’t know how to read the fucking rules, dipshit.”)  …. Now, if it were in my group, the asshole that spouted that shit would have been rode hard and put away wet, with his picture up on the hall of shame to let people know he treats other members of the vape community like shit. Remember the necessary attributes communities need to survive and thrive? Mainly the “help build each other up” and “encourage each other”? I’m sorry, but when Tristan himself eggs on a new member who doesn’t understand the rules and gets his “favorites” crew to gang up on them, that’s not attributing ANY good values in a community. Whether or not you’re an admin, you /do not/ treat /anyone/ that way. In most businesses (retail, restaurants, etc) the golden rule is “the customer is always right”, it honestly doesn’t matter if the customer is blatantly wrong, and you can prove it.. the customer is /always/ right. Communities are treated the same way. Admins are there to keep order, not to condemn. Some people, however, cannot handle that kind of power without it going straight to their head. Hence why we have cops that think they can get away with things and that they are “above the law”.

Another experience I had was when I asked for help in funding a startup for an ejuice brand. This John guy from Michigan (who makes the Johnny’s Juice) pretty much told me that I didn’t know shit about anything and that I would fail, and he would make sure that I did. (Seriously, who the fuck does he think he is?)
“Convicted Vapes”… what is the definition of the word “Convict”? It’s a declaration of someone’s guilt of a criminal offense. Well then.. that surely explains why the hell they act like convicts in the group. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they sure as fuck /know/ their shit, well kind of **. But when someone else doesn’t, they mock them, and act like they don’t belong there. In reality, I would have steered VERY clear of the word “convict” in a group, or at least the mere attitude of a convict. Just my opinion though.
**I said kind of because in their rules they claim the Chinese steal mod/RDA designs which is really fucking funny to me, considering the original idea for the whole damn thing came from China. I mean, if you know your shit, you’ll know that a Chinese pharmacist, named Hon Lik, invented the modern vaporizer in 2003 because his father died of lung cancer from smoking cigarettes. Meaning, if it weren’t for the Chinese, we Americans /wouldn’t/ have the technology to design. So to act all superior because the Americans can make a Chinese product, and to claim the Chinese (who created the product) steals from “originals”… yeah, I think you see where I’m going with this. I’m just going to hope as you read this, you’re smart enough to deduce what I’m getting at here. And yeah, I mean, knowing all about vaping, back in the 60’s, Herbert Gilbert invented a smokeless cigarette device. But, with the diagrams of the design compared to what we use today, what we use today is based off of Hon Lik’s design from 2003. So, even if you were to make the argument about Gilbert’s idea from the 60’s, it wouldn’t count simply because we don’t use that exact design or idea.

Also, we are not above anyone. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been into vaping, you are not and will not be any better than anyone else. To even have the idea that just because you’ve been vaping for one year, means you know more than someone who’s been vaping, for say, six months, is pretty damn pathetic. It has /nothing/ to do with how long you’ve vaping, but how much effort you put into learning about it. And even then, learning more about it doesn’t make you any better either. The idea behind a community is to help each other learn, not put each other down for what the other doesn’t know (a common practice by members of Convicted Vapes).

So, all in all, I’m honestly not trying to put down the people in the group, but make it known about their practices and attitudes there. As I said before, communities are to help each other out, but the CV community is about putting everyone down that doesn’t understand certain things about vaping. /This/ is /not/ a community, ladies and gentlemen. This is pretty much what I would call a communist group run by people who think they are better than everyone else. I’m more for equality on this kind of thing. We are all the same, nobody better than the other. If you have a question about vaping, how do you expect to get the answer when you have a dozen members putting you down for not knowing it?

I’d honestly like to hear your thoughts on this. If you have joined, and are in the same boat as me, please tell your experience. And like I said, if you get shit for it, it’ll only prove the point further. So, honestly, you have nothing to fear by telling the truth, your experience matters. And, if you’re still a part of the group, and have witnessed these things, I’d like to hear your thoughts as well.

This Crazy World

In this crazy wide world we live in, nothing comes free. Nothing comes easy. Stress is always available, and relaxation is something nobody gets. Because in this crazy world we live in, we own nothing, the government owns us, and the products we buy are owned by the corporations that make them.

In this crazy world we live in, we have so many feelings, so many emotions bombarding us every day. We turn to vices, whether it be cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. We use these vices to numb our emotions, ease our stress. We become addicted and then it takes over our lives. We do anything to keep from feeling these dead, unwanted feelings and emotions. Then we become nothing but an empty shell of who we once were. Nothing left anymore, and when we look in the mirror, we hate who we see.

In this crazy world we live in, nobody cares. Our neighbors keep to themselves and give you dirty looks when you walk outside. They have nothing to do with you, and never help you out. You’re lucky if you find one who says hello in the morning. But when they want something, they’re always asking you for it. Most people in this world never want anything to do with you unless they want something. It’s only when you have something someone wants that you become relevant to them. It’s like unless it benefits them, you’re a nobody.

In this crazy world we live in loyalty is a very rare thing, if it even exists anymore. If you’re ever lucky to have a loyal friend or lover, don’t take them for granted. Loyalty doesn’t come free, you pay it back with loyalty. Be as loyal as they are to you. Have their back as much as they have yours. I hope some of you are lucky enough to find at least one person who’s loyal to you.

In this crazy world we live in, memories are all we have to hold on to. Because people can’t be trusted anymore. People come and go, relationships come and go. But all we have is memories of them. Nothing more, nothing less.